Thursday, March 22, 2012

Searching for a New Dream

When I was growing up, I had lots of dreams. The most amazing one was to be president of the United States. Yup. I had big ideas. I still do, actually. If I didn't have a family, I would pursue politics with a vengeance. That's what I'm talking about. My family has changed my dreams.

For so long, I wanted a large family. I'm talking 12 or 13 kids. I always wanted a large family. In recent years, I just wanted a couple more kids. I felt like I was being selfish, wanting more kids so desperately when other people didn't have any kids. Over the last month, I've come to grips with the fact that I won't be having any more children. Yes, it took me eight years to come to terms with that fact.

Now, I'm having to redefine myself. I've always been the baby mama, even though my youngest child is almost nine years old. I'm having to search for a new dream. The problem is not a lack of dreams. No, I've never had that problem. The problem is too many dreams. There are so many things I'm interested in. I have to decide which one I want to do first.

Gary and I have discussed this at length. Really, I want to do at least three of them. To be able to do two of them, I really need a degree. So, school looks to be in my near future. I'm good with that. I've always loved school. In fact, if a school wanted to pay me to take classes and rate them, kind of a secret shopper for college classes, I would jump at the change. I would do that for the rest of my life. So far, I have not taken a college course I did not enjoy.

I'm at that point where I know where I want to go, but I'm not sure if it will work. Why? Well, Gary is at the same place I am, only he doesn't know for sure what he wants to do. You see, Gary is only two years from retirement. He has so many options available to him after he retires that it's hard for him to decide what direction he wants to go. It doesn't help that we're still two years out. It's not as though he can start randomly applying for jobs.

So, school is in the offing for me. I just have to figure out how to fit it into our life. It'll take some shuffling and then I'll be getting on with the rest of my life. You see, when Dominic starts college, I'll only be 44. I'll have an entire life ahead of me. I'm going to need something to do with it.

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